Woke up pretty early, maybe like 5:30 or something (8:01 am now) and it’s funny how the first 3 or 5 seconds I woke up, I was happy, ecstatic, [insert some other synonyms] and then the second I thought of her again, all of it came crashing down. Not it a bad way, just more like a responsibility.
Went through a couple more scenarios and possible outcomes in my head, then doom scrolled instagram lol.
Part of me wants to go to the people I know and work it out with them but at the same time, I really just want to tell her everything myself.
Instagram, for as much as I hate the algorithm, is good for one thing: pushing content that you want to see, not what you need to see. And in this specific context, it helped sort through my genuine feelings and my false feelings.
Context: I don’t trust my feelings. I just don’t. I do trust my emotions. Yk what? That might be the genuine feelings. Fudge nuggets, now I have to sort through this.
Ok so I’ve got my initial reaction (emotions) and my interpretation of the emotions (feelings). If what I want to see is my feelings and what I need to see is my emotions, that seems like it makes sense.
Wait hold up a sec. Want to see and need to see (see can also be hear). So what about feel? What I want to feel vs what I need to feel? Given that proposition, I can’t define feelings with feelings.
(I’m also really hungry rn so idek where this is going.)
Up to now it’s: feelings are what I want to see using the evidence of my interpretation of emotions.
That makes sense. I can get behind that.
Back to the original thing, what do I want to do?
Wait. 1 Corinthians 13 (ESV):
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I love her so so much.
-Aren
11:16 am now, just found this video and I thought how so dang close it is to how I want to understand how she thinks, since everyone organizes and processes things differently:
4:01 pm
Same thing, same reaction, same sequence. Not much has changed. Tone of voice is the same, not much for a reaction. I just want to cry.
Oh how I hate love.
(not actually, just the same thing as before and I’ve already done this before and yet here we are again. Whoever reading this, don’t get too attached. You’ll just get the same thing you’ve always gotten.)
Yeah, it’s been like 30 minutes. Call it delusion, high expectations, stupid hope. That’s why I hate love.
I still love her.
Wtf is wrong with me?
I’m probably just selfish. Or not. Or both.
Yeah, it’s probably just both.