“Accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. - Declaration of Independence
It’s about 8:55 am and I’m about to meet John (one of the first podcast episodes) at The Fitness Equation in Chantilly and I was talking to that girl (that I’ve referred to in previous writings) in my head and a pretty sad realization kinda smacked me in the face.
I don’t want to be happy. Hell, I’m scared of being happy. Most of my life I had this expectation that I’m not good enough. That I am not the best and that’s what makes me on the same level and the mentally retarded. I’m not going to blame anyone (obviously) but most of my procrastination the last couple months is because I seem to crave self-induced suffering.
I love the podcast and I love the clothing design I have but with all the nos and not-right-nows I get from people I want to interview, it’s stupidly discouraging. I mean yeah, I wasn’t expecting a 100% turnover rate but also not 10%.
Ok that’s not entirely true/not enough context. For podcasts I don’t have a place to film at any time. If I want to interview someone I have to hope I get a place. But at the same time, that’s expensive to do. But would I be able to do more episodes?
That’s the funny part, probably not. I’m so used to finding reasons not to do something that I won’t see the opportunities that are right smack in my face. It’s stupid. Self-imposed roadblocks.
I’m thinking that has to do with my mind is always searching for external roadblocks and not so much internal ones. It’s a whole lot easier to see something externally that can’t be controlled and know that it is blocking me but seeing an internal one that can be controlled but I willingly let it control me? That’s dangerous.
I want to do better in podcast. I want to do better with jiu-jitsu. I would love to start shooting. I really would like the shirts to take off.
But the thing is, I’m the only one holding me back. And I haven’t realized that that is something I can control. Or at least I haven’t realized that on a subconscious level.
It’s about 11:15 am now, probably just a hunger thing. But that discouragement still, for lack of a better word, lingers. Funny enough I sneezed my head off yesterday so maybe all the allergies are catching up.
Some people call this a phase, the ups and downs. I have no idea where it is the sine wave. Maybe it’s not working out for so long. Maybe it’s not having the social interactions I usually have.
However, it feels like procrastination. Well, maybe? Dam I have written a lot of maybes in the last 20 seconds. Perhaps it’s the illusion of safety. I don’t want to take a risk and possibly regress but I also don’t want to do nothing which would guarantee regression.
This would be tied to that quote from 1776, “There are two creatures of value on the face of the earth, those with a commitment and those who require the commitment of others.” By not having that constant feedback loop from being someone who requires the commitment of others, I feel lost, unfocused, sad. Almost like everything has been for nothing. I think I need more when, in fact, I have what I need, I just don’t make time for it.
There has been so many circumstances that I just stop because I feel like I should stop. Usually this is tied to a caffeine crash + the idea that you should do 4-5 hours of focused work a day. Almost like a mini accomplishment that then leads to an unnecessary amount of relaxation. Work for 5 hours, crash for 8. It might because I push all 5 in one sitting instead of giving myself breaks in between, creating space for sustainability than lean on burnout. The question becomes not is there a problem but how do I consistently get out of it the same way I consistently got into it.
Goals would help but I’ve never been the write stuff down part because now it feels like it has been accomplished. I’m not afraid of doing the work, I’m afraid of something else. It’s not the success. It’s not the satisfaction. It’s not the feedback.
I’m afraid of winning, not the success part but being happy that I finished what I started. Happy that I did what I said I would do. Happy that I do have to suffer as much as I think I should.
Is it that I don’t want to happy or that I don’t have to self-induce suffering anymore trying to prove that the mistakes I made in the past are just mistakes I made in the past?
I wish I was a better man.
Love you always,
Aren