I still miss her.
I hate it so much. I don’t even know why I can’t let go. Hope? But there is no evidence of it. I don’t want to go out and see her, to talk to her, to just be with her. I mean yeah, it’s like 11 PM when I’m writing this and my nose is all stuffed up so it might be late night remorse.
I think the biggest reason why is there’s the woman I know in real life and the one I’ve been talking to in my head. That and fear. That she isn’t what I think she is.
It’s self-induced suffering. I should be looking for someone else, building what I’ve constructed, and actively look for other women but I don’t want anyone else. And that’s the problem - or at least I’m trying to convince myself that is the problem. Logically I want to let go and know I have to let go. But emotionally she is the only one I want.
Why?
Because deep down I want all this effort, the early mornings walking with her, the breakfasts and lunches, the tiny conversations, the shared fun, the beautiful moments to not be for nothing. The multitudes of hours and days and weeks and months all to be for what? one last text and that’s it? Really? wtf.
My head hurts, my spine is all screwed up, my nose is stuffed (I think I already mentioned that), and my eyes keep blurring around. And all I can think about is how beautiful she is. I don’t think I mentioned this before so here we go. Way back when, about two weeks after we met, I walked in the building a bit late, maybe around 9:01 AM on a Wednesday. And boom, there is this really cute girl standing a bit in the distance. I was at the double doors heading to the elevators that were halfway down the little hallway. She was standing across from the elevators at a digital directory of all the companies in the building. All I saw was a side profile but I remember thinking, “Huh, is she new here? I wonder if she works in the building. Maybe I’ll get to see her again.” You probably know where this is going. As I got closer I was like, “Uh, that jawline looks familiar, posture, size, clothi- wait a sec, is that her?” She turned to me and was like, “Hi, Aren” and I was so dumbfounded/flabergasted, I think I put some words together and muddled through some sort of sentence.
That was the day I realized how beautiful she was/is. Up until that point I had mostly found her emotionally beautiful and not really considered her physicality as much.
Anyways, idk where I was going with that. I’m going to see if I have any writings from that time and put them up here.
-Aren
11:32 PM
Forgot I made this for Christmas time 2024, might as well keep it here so I don’t lose it:
For all the lessons you’ve taught me, For the memories I’ll always cherish, You showed me the truths that lit my path, A crepuscular ray that will never perish.
Your compassion was unconditional, Your wisdom was gentle and fair. You gifted me something I cannot forget, A love, that showed you care.
Though time may fade the moments away, And our paths may keep us apart, Every hour we spent together, Lives forever in my heart.
May each season reward your kindness, With my gratitude beyond measure. The greatest miracle I will always remember, You, my friend and eternal treasure.
Merry Christmas, you ol’ whippersnapper!
Oh dam I forgot I had these reminder things pop up every few hours. That didn’t last long
One thing to work on
Find one thing to focus on improving each day.
Do not do the work of other people for them or you will become a slave to their problems
If today was your last day, would you treat other people that way? Treat yourself that way? Do the things you did?
Self Control
Make the most of t o d a y
Give people emotional flowers
Drown the negativity out with as much positivity as possible
Feeling restless? Go for a walk or be outside
Pull others up the way you would have pushed them down
Screw it, eat healthier
Don’t solve other people’s problems for them. Just lead them in the right direction.
Justifying my words when met with a taunt and trying to prove people wrong
Work on focusing on the conversation and not figuring out how to make a joke
Deep breathing and outdoor relaxing
Build the discipline to make food in the evening
Keep your word you give to yourself
Make the most with what you have
Replace carb-rich foods with fiber-rich foods
Feeling restless? Go for a walk or be outside
Pull others up the way you would have pushed them down
Practice self control and discipline
Understand your feelings will drive your intentions
Be firm in what you say, not loose or childish
Don’t speculate or assume
Reconcile, let go, and move on