My logical mind wants to let go, my emotional wants to hold on.
Hope is a beautiful thing. It remembers the things you love and reminds you the mistakes made to realize the true value of that love.
I know I will let go, it just depends on how long I want that to take.
Over the last couple months, I was trying to find her in everyone I met. Many of the podcasts that never got published was because it wasn’t the same has the conversations with her. I wanted the emotional conversations, the deep talks, the connection with people beyond the simple, “hey man, how you doin?”
However, in the search for that emotional connection, something wonderful happened: I learned more about me. Who I was, who I am, and a little more clarity on who I want to be. Of course, who I want to be will change as I tune and fine tune the direction. It’s like an asteroid that can be millions of miles off its’ target if it moves even one degree.
I was never honest with her. I never told her I love her. I will always regret that. But it’s like the Japanese idiom for the awareness of impermanence, mono no aware.
It's the bittersweet awareness that all things are impermanent and finding beauty in that very impermanence.
Do I love her? Yes.
Do I want to be there for her when she needs it? Absolutely.
Will I accept her for who she is? No.
I can’t. Because I never did. I couldn’t see past her flaws. I couldn’t understand her because I saw too much of my own insecurities in her. I was overthinking everything, analyzing the micro-languages, trying to understand her so I could help. But that never helped. It showed I couldn’t communicate. Instead of trying to understand her, I wanted to just know.
Had to search this up: intuitive knowing - the desire to understand someone through pure perception rather than the work of inquiry.
That probably won’t change. Emotional association or something like that. Or maybe it’s emotional fixedness, that I have wired myself to have this dedicated pathway for this one woman and any other pathway would be harder to make because of the natural default to choose the path of least resistance.
It’s like that saying that everyone will see a part of your personality, but not all of it.
(This is different from the Johari Window or the public/private/core self. What I’m referring to is the different parts of the public self that people see during the initial contact.)
The Johari Window shows how there are parts of yourself that are known to you and others, parts known only to you, parts others see but you don't, and parts hidden from everyone. No single person ever sees the complete picture.
To sum this up without a bunch more tangents, there is two songs that outline my logical and emotional mind conflicting:
- Logical: Wake Me Up - Avicii
- “So wake me up when it's all over. When I'm wiser and I'm older. All this time, I was findin' myself and I didn't know I lost.”
- Emotional: When Somebody Loved Me - Sarah McLachlan
- “When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful. Every hour we spent together will live forever in my heart.”
Anyways, that’s all I got for now.
-Aren