More specifically: the responsibility of capability.
I yearn for everything. I want to make every research paper to be extremely accurate and comprehensive but at the same time, I lose the end point of completion.
Every time I look at every topic, thereās always a new tangent or something to build on the concept. I love building on it, almost like itās another way of seeing understanding from what I donāt understanding.
Maybe thatās one thing Iām missing: understanding. Not so much trying to be understood but rather understanding myself. I donāt know how much Iāll change a year from now. Iām afraid that I might lose touch with what makes me good while in the pursuit of tackling that which makes me suffer.
Itās exhausting. Everytime I learn something new about myself, itās almost as if I took a step back. What I thought makes sense leads to more question. Itās as if a void of emptiness cannot be filled with anything except itself.
Itās not loneliness. Iām not sure what it is. Maybe itās the unknown, staring into the abyss, wondering what is on the other side, hoping that it is something new, but it is just the same thing youāve seen before, just more.
I think it has to do possibility. If I can see, itās possible with other people from like a positive standpoint, I believe Iām capable of it too. But also the reverse is true as well, if I see, itās possible to be negative with other I myself will believe that that is a more, in a way, socially acceptable form of living because someone else is living it.
Having both the comfort and the security to say this is who I am and that is not who I am, that is what makes life a little more difficult to be consistent with.
Or maybe that is the beauty of life that the things that you thought were not a problem one because you never had the resistance to were so secure that when the resistance came, it feels like something off. I donāt mean it sense that resistance wasnāt needed, but that resistance was now applied kind of like unless itās actually just that itās just a theory. Itās just a practical possibility, but not actually a tested example.