I think I already answered my own question before I even started writing this.
Once I achieve everything I desire, will I stop moving?
As of right now itās love. On one hand trying to understand what is love while also on the other hand finding someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I didnāt grow up feeling loved (ha, funny how this is something I want to research later) and obviously I donāt blame my parents for that. I just want to figure out what love is.
However, once I do and I am with the woman I want to be with, will all of this stop? Will I stop doing podcasts, researching, learning more? From a visual standpoint, itās like stand at the tip of Pride Rock (The Lion King),staring out the savannah, and looking out in the distance for the one thing I have always wanted: the feeling of success.
My first thought is: would I though? Would I really get that feeling of success? Probably not. Iāll just get the feeling of progress.
I was looking at a letter I wanted to give to someone I absolutely love back in July 2024 and that letter is the most cringy phrasing of anything ever. I read it and Iām like, āEw, this is soooo artificially forced.ā But at the time, thatās how I saw love. The butterflies, the metaphors, the bubbles, the suppression of feelings. Do I do that now? Kinda, but not with the same intensity as before.
Iām more authentic. Iām trying to better and Iām proud of who I am. Itās not perfect, itās not ideal, and itās not pure, but it is me.
Going back to the beginning question, I think I will stop moving. I think Iāll reach the end of the road and look back in awe. I am living a life I will remember, hell because itās worth remembering.
It is just like a new year, I know where I have been and I donāt know where Iāll be going but I donāt regret trying.
I hope this isnāt cringy in the future. I just hope Iām right.
(omg stubbornness)
Funny how I already know what I need to logically do, Iām mostly looking for the emotional justification.
I do things that keep me present. Iāve learned how to appreciate the little things, the inconvenient interactions, to not want to burden someone with more worries, to see someone the way they want to be seen, to feel included but to also include, to not want to leave because of the warmth of staying close with people, to take pictures because why not, to be more human with myself and harder on the actual problems, to treat others not as I want to be treated but with how they want to be treated, to know that all I know is an interpretation of perception, to have the humility of what I can do and canāt do, to care without receiving care, to be more responsible for my own happiness because no one should be burdened with my responsibility, to love deeply but to love wisely.
Oh how I love how I think.